Women learn from a young age that they will need to be
shape-shifters. According to different expectations, norms and values they will
have to identify and learn over the course of a lifetime, young girls
understand they will need to be contortionists: molding themselves into the
proper cookie-cutter shapes lest they face severe repercussions. Beyond the
demands placed on girls to shape their physical selves, it is their emotions
that are the most policed: the basic expression of their selves.
While girls are taught many things about emotions, the feeling and expression of anger is not one of them. Yet we propel girls into a world where, as a women, there is so much to be angry about: from unequal pay to men raping women and girls at catastrophic rates, from our reproductive rights still being debated in courts of law to the unequal access of women to positions of power, decision-making and control of powerful resources: media, finance, executive power. The daily gendered injustices, in many ways crosscut by race, add to the levels of sustained anxiety and anger that women have. From interpersonal relationships, to the professional and political playing fields, women’s anger is seen as ugly and unacceptable. Societal norms and expectations intersect these fields and inform how we respond to expressions of anger – and these responses are especially gendered.
Men, on the other hand, remain unaware.* Indeed, men exist in a society (here, I speak mainly of Western worlds) where their anger is seen as powerful, and where they feel and benefit from that power. It is in this same world in which the same expressions of anger in women are punished. This is recipe for men to feign ignorance and express shock when women step outside of bounds and display anger in non-conforming ways. Men’s shock and repulsion contributes to women being taught to retain, contain and solve their ‘anger issues’ on their own. While this is evident in all interactions that I have noted, it is within the professional sphere where they have been most researched.
Within professional spheres where anger is, by definition, part of the equation, men benefit and women suffer. In the courtroom, when men and women lawyers expressed assertiveness to defend their clients, it benefits the clients of the male lawyers and punishes the clients of the female lawyers. When political men express anger to support their points of view, it makes voters more likely believe their reasoning, the same does not hold true for women politicians (Think of both Trump and Sanders). In the workplace, men’s anger is seen as justified and powerful with co-workers responding positively, while the same expressions in women are seen as unjustified, with co-workers punishing ‘angry’ women and branding them unlikable (more on likeability further down). This turns into a vicious cycle: men are rewarded with more power by demonstrating anger that is associated with them seeming powerful, while women who seek to obtain power and do so by exhibiting the same assertive behaviours are punished for it, further cementing power imbalances throughout professional landscapes.
And yet, it is not economic loss that women fear most (although more on that below too). I recently attended an event where Soraya Chemaly spoke of her experience visiting
hundreds of centers, schools, universities and workplaces to speak about the
policing and cost of women’s expressions of anger. She recounts that the number
one fear that women feel when they express their anger is… mockery. Women say
they are belittled, mocked, and ultimately dismissed. It is a tragic
diminishing of a person to know that expressing their true selves is a set up
for being scorned. The devaluing of ‘emotionality’ serves a second purpose: to
justify the dismissal of women’s anger as a sentiment that is worth less than the same emotions expressed by a man.
This manufactured inequality between emotion and rationality serves to reinforce our expectations and reactions to anger in men and women. We refer to men’s anger as rational, justified, logical, and to women’s anger as irrational, emotionally-driven and illogical. Men’s anger highlights the point they are making and makes observers see this anger as trustworthy. Women’s anger is perceived as serving the opposite effect: it makes her seem less credible, with observers finding her unreliable and untrustworthy. The language we use to describe expressions of anger further promotes this behaviour in men and polices it in women. We call men assertive, righteous, justified – we say that he is addressing the issue, stating his point, speaking his mind. Oftentimes, anger is so beneficial to men that it no longer feels or is seen as ‘anger’, a word that generally holds negative connotations, but is rather seen as a valid expression of self.
Women’s anger is judged very differently. We have a radar for even the slightest indication of a woman’s anger from miles away. Women know this, and so we parry. Speak to any woman and she will tell you all the ways in which she thinks, acts and strategizes to ensure that her anger is managed and conforms to situational expectations. She will tell you how she has techniques and words to ensure people understand her meaning, lest they have to see beyond her expressions. She will tell you all the ways in which she copes,internalizes and wills herself to remain as calm and composed as possible, because the punishment is well known. She will be called hysterical, emotional, irrational, aggressive, irate, and, perhaps the worst, out of control. Men are in control of their expressions of anger – and if it reaches a degree where they aren’t, it is justified; there is a good reason. Women, where the ability to control every minute aspect of their life is seen as a marker of success, are immediately ‘out of control’ if they reach even half the level of anger of a man. In short, if they break out of the roles that little girls learn early on, summarized quite neatly in this quaint and destructive saying:
“Girls should be seen and not heard.”
Anger in interpersonal relationships does not escape societal norms and expectations, and often these are magnified in the tight space between two people. Girls understand very early that to express anger means being branded ‘difficult’ or ‘needy’, and not being liked. In a culture that preys on women and girls’ insecurities and prioritizes the male gaze, not being liked is at the top of the fear list. Indeed, likeability is the primary trait that is valued in women in the workplace, reinforcing what women know all too well: being liked is key, and expressions of anger are not likeable (in women). Women learn they are placing entire relationships on the line when they transgress the model of the likeable girlfriend or wife, meanwhile a man's anger is, again, justified, rational, logical, and expected. If a woman partner is socialized to know that a man's anger is acceptable, women will not penalize men for expressing it. The opposite is not true. And so young girls learn the rules: learning to internalize, to not bring up issues, not ‘complain’, not dwell too long, speak too loudly, not insist too much. In heterosexual relationships, women’s needs have historically always come second to her partner’s. Any resistance to this model is a risk tentatively broached, and at very high personal cost.
These high costs are not only social in nature. As mentioned above, they are often economic. Repercussions in the workplace remain high for women who assert themselves. In these settings, the markers for accessing power are heavily gendered. I previously mentioned that men are praised and benefit from demonstrating ‘anger’ traits, whereas the same expression are punished in women. Women know this all too well. In response, women tend to speak up less in meetings, avoid raising problems, and stay out of the spotlight. Women stay away from negotiating a higher salary or raises, as they are well aware of the high social cost to entering into such negotiations. Men, on the other hand, receive no penalty for negotiating raises or higher salary at job entry, thereby compounding already existing pay inequalities. Women also do more of the office ‘care’ work: organizing lunches, getting coffee, cleaning up, helping colleagues in distress, in order to ensure likeability – but at great cost. These actions are not routes to promotions and rather serve to depreciate a woman’s status: she is seen as a care-giver, not a leader, and not someone who is valuable as a success to the company.
Evaluations, one of the key facilitation processes for advancement, are equally biased in what they praise. Managers use more ‘power-oriented’ words to describe men, describing traits seen as more valuable in the top tier of leadership. Women are more likely to be described negatively overall, and of the positive words used are ones that highlight traits that are not as valued by the company - think compassionate and caring. In short, men’s evaluations help them get ahead, women’s don’t, even if both display the same competitive, assertive behaviours that the company values. Absent among all this economic and social loss is a blind eye turned to the underlying fact: workplaces, hierarchy and ‘success’ remain traditionally designed by and for the benefit of men. But how many cans of worms are we going to open today?
So what can be done? For this, I no longer speak to women, because I trust they have found contortionist-style solutions to these problems. But I do caution that women are equally social creatures, so beware that the way we evaluate other women is not reproducing the same inequalities we suffer. Be especially aware of the ways in which race adds another dimension of policing: who gets to be angry, to what levels and to what cost are often all crosscut by race. This week, Serena Williams suffered the latest in a long line of punishments over the course of her career that penalized her anger and reminded us all that black women need to know their place. When this infuriating event subsides, Serena will remain a champion for women's rights, the greatest athlete alive and with a bank account full of millions of dollars. How many black women know all too well that they are not Serena and cannot express their anger, stand up for themselves and call out inequalities and injustices, lest they receive punishments too heavy to handle?
Instead, I turn my lens more directly to men and insist on the following:
Make room for women’s anger in your relationships.
Do not recoil or shut down conversations if your friends, your partner, your
mother, your colleague expresses anger. Learn to listen, instead of moving to
silence or diminish the emotion.
Listen and validate. Women are not
crazy, and they are not delusional. There are many valid causes for anger and
giving women the space to express anger and your own act of validation
is a way to show the woman in front of you that you see her as a full
human being capable of thought and feeling and expression of self. In other
words, be respectful, and not only in your tone - learn to control your
thoughts as well.
Do you feel uncomfortable? You should. Anything
that pushes us to see the ways in which the world does not work the way we
think it does is threatening, especially when it implicates us, our social
position and our ingrained roles and belief structure. Defensiveness, denial
and policing women’s anger are ways in which we ensure that we never have to
feel uncomfortable; that we do not have blinders removed from our eyes. It is
also an untrue way of living, because you are denying the experiences of half
of the world’s population, not to mention the person in front of you that you
owe at least the decent minimum respect. In interpersonal relationships just
as in the political realm, you should not silence the other person because you
feel uncomfortable. Often, it is precisely within that discomfort that you
will learn new truths, understand other experiences. This is not a rosy field
to walk in, but know that you are not alone.
Watch your language and watch your tone.
The next time you speak of a woman’s anger, or her expressing her views or not
agreeing with yours, watch the words you use. Resist the urge of saying that
she is ‘making a big deal’ or that she was ‘complaining a lot’ or ‘being a
nag.’ These are all lessons to women, ensuring that they don’t express
themselves truthfully. Instead, be aware of the learnings and research from
this post and the wider society – and do not consider yourself immune to
deep-seated social norms and expectations. You are not a unicorn living in
a bubble, the one man alive that sees everything as it is. Try, instead, to
describe a situation without judging it. Think about whether your words would
be the same if the gender of the person was different. Be aware of the ways in
which your surroundings reinforce gendered expectations that praise men and
punish women for similar emotional expressions.
Ask yourself why you aren’t angry too. This
is one that really gets me. Women have so many reasons to be angry, but why
aren’t men as upset? And by this I mean, publicly upset. Turns out, there are many pressures, expectations and norms that keep
ally men from speaking up and out, which include restrictive group behaviours
and allegiances. I cannot tell you how devastating it feels to experience this,
as a woman, to watch men who champion equality in private, stay silent and
unsupportive in public, even if public means a group of friends, or a workplace
meeting. Unfortunately, the couch is not the place that equality happens, but
the public sphere is a start. It is angering to watch men do nothing, and keep
benefiting from a system that punished the women they claim to support. So
please, do something. And if you're at a loss of what to do, speak to a woman
in your life, and most importantly: follow through.
* Perhaps
there has been an awakening due to the #MeToo movement, but I would argue this
has died down, and generally men want things to return to normal, because I
certainly don’t see them dismantling with haste the systems that enabled
workplace harassment and violence to exist and continue for such long periods
of time.
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